Business world is scary. We get it. How does one know it's Business O'Clock or merely Business:Thirty? Does one gently embrace each coworker every morning as though recovering a long lost relative, or does one set up a steady regiment of violent physical altercations with each colleague? These are the questions that may cause you to whisper "Business" all through the night as you toss and turn in your corporate dreamwagon, and these are the very same queries we seek to answer in this blog. Read onward, and you too will learn how to business--well.
1. Coworkers want to know they can trust you. You can affirm this belief in your goodness through subliminal messaging. In between words such as "Dividend" and "Domesticated Imports," slyly sandwich in phrases such as "Company Loyalty" and "Good Retirement Plan". These kind of statements assure both your superiors and inferiors that you intend to hang around for the long haul, pardner.
2. Impress your supervisor. Your manager desperately needs to know that you care about them as a person, not just another golden rung daintily draped across the celestial ladder of corporate success. Show them this by remembering simple facts about their personal lives; such as number of kids, their names, your boss' name, which side of the bed they sleep on, their PIN number, their social security number, the seven-digit code to the alarm system installed in their three story, Victorian style house on 467 Pleasant Drive, Leesburg, VA 24505-5656.
3. Pleasing the Corporate Entities. This one is a given. The five-headed corporate deity, as you may well know, is a fickle mistress. To prove you are worthy of astral success, Stocks, Bonds, Tariffs, Increased Revenue, and Beelzebub all must know you are equipped to tame the corporate behemoth known as the global market. In order to invoke their blessing, one must offer sacrifice in this sacred order: charred dove at dawn, bloodied boar's head at noon, twenty spreadsheets in a flame offering set ablaze upon a small mercantile vessel on a glistening sea shipped towards the evening dusk. Repeat until successful.
4. Dispose of money properly. Place both your bills and your paychecks into your business rocket and deliver your money to the Business Star where they will be disposed of confidentially and discreetly. (Interestingly enough, this is the same star into which all good businessmen's remains are sent to be emblazoned by glorious space fire after their departure from the office.)
5. Business is fire. As the old adage goes, "Business is fire."
May your righteous flame of employment burn ever brightly, young star.
Now you too may business.
